The Long Way Home
by catalinau
Summary: It's a story about the way Diane and Kurt healed their wounds, what we didn't see on the show. My first language is not english so i apologize for the possible mistakes. I hope you will enjoy it!
1. Chapter 1

The long way home

Prolouge

She missed him so much, she missed his smell, the way he looked at her, touching his skin, hearing his voice, his moans, his whispers...everything he was. She always knew that he was her big love, the love of her life, to use a phrase that she laughed at before she met him. There were so many times that she almost gave in and called him and a lot of other times when she called without talking, she just wanted to hear his voice, even for a second, without him knowing that it was her, that he needed him. She wanted to punish him. It was strange how she hated him and loved him more than anything in the same time. Her thoughts were interrupted by his hand, finding his way under her skirt. She felt her skin responding to his touch, she wanted more and in the same she wished she didn't. She kissed him deeper and brought him closer to her, the feeling of his body heat and the cold wall that she was leaning to was maddening.

He suddenly stopped and looked in her eyes as if he was asking permission to take his next step and in the next second she lifted her in his arms, walking to the stairs. She knew that there was no turning back, she was so afraid to let him in her bedroom, the one that used to be theirs, in the bed that she spent so many nights crying alone, in her house, in her life again. She knew that she wasn't ready yet. Yet she tried shifting the way she saw this, she decided that this was going to be a night of sex and nothing more, that with the morning the sorrow and the pain will take over her again and she will push him away.

He placed her on the bed and came on top on her, he looked in her eyes as if he was trying to make her see that everything he was feeling was real, that there will be no more lies, that what he did was the biggest mistake of his life, for which he was paying for the last year. He had so many sleepless nights that he couldn't even count, crying himself to sleep. He was sure she did too. But this, this right now gave him hope, there was a time when he thought that there was no turning back, that he will never touch her, hold her in his arms, feel her breath on his face, feel the way that she wanted him. She was so different than all the other women he knew, she had a hold on him that he never knew how to explain.

The moment they got rid of their clothes and their skin finally touched was a feeling that brought tears in their eyes. He let his hand touch her body, searching for the places he loved, searching for the places she liked to be touched, her body was like a map and he was wondering how he still knew all the roads on it.

She closed her eyes, trying to make the tears not to fall, she went along with this, now she had to be strong, she didn't want him to see the amplitude of her vulnerability. It was almost like a sad game, that they played so many times, hiding from each other.

He was still unsure and although they got to this point, he was almost afraid to go any further, he was afraid that all this could end any second.

She opened her eyes and in the dark, she tried looking in to his.

-Kurt, I think is ok, you can do it, she whispered with trembling voice.

They were so unsure, that they both felt like they were two teenagers, having sex for the first time. He wasn't sure that she really wanted this, expecting her to reject him and she was unsure if this was the best thing right now. She knew that she was vulnerable, that she just lost all her money, her job, maybe her house, and in the middle of all this she found him waiting for her on her doorsteps, more handsome than ever, his hair was longer and looked really well with his beard. Her heart sank the moment she saw him.

And with all that on her plate, she had to divorce him. She was glad she wasn't the one who had to make that choice, she put that in his lap and let him decide.

And it wasn't enough that she was in the lowest point of her life, he had to show up, looking so good and open old wounds, wounds that will probably never heal.

His words echoed through her mind " I didn't leave you! ". Was that ironic or what?

When he pushed inside of her all the voices in her head were silenced. For a moment everything was like a silent movie, the only thing she was feeling was the sensation in her, her high walls crumbling a little bit. The way he looked at her, with such love and desire, like nothing happened, the way he moved inside of her, for a few seconds she saw a glimpse of her husband, the one from before, the one that was true and sincere, or so she thought. And then another thought hit her with full force…was this the way he looked at her, was that the way he moved inside of her, too? She closed her eyes trying to push the thought away along with the tears that were threatening to burst out. But closing her eyes only made her imagine everything better, flashes were coming before her eyes, things she had imagined a thousand times, in a sort of masochistic ritual. How his hand caressed the other woman's skin, how they laughed together, how he touched her lips with his own, how he forget completely about her existence and the way she was waiting for him to come home, the way she slept with his t-shirt every night that he was away with work. She was so stupid. She hated the fact that he made a fool of herself and that he didn't even had the courage to tell her before she found out in front of a court full of people.

She couldn't stop the tears anymore, she knew from the beginning that it was a mistake, that she shouldn't have done this. A sob came out of her, and for a moment she got scared of her own sounds, and then she started crying without any kind of control. She was so tired of feeling sorry for herself, she was so tired of the fact that she lost the husband that she trusted and loved, forever.

He looked at her, at first unsure of what was happening…but then her sobs and cries felt like a punch. He was frozen, he didn't knew what to do. He wanted to hold her in his arms tight and never let go, but he was so afraid she will reject him.

-Diane, he whispered. Diane, please look at me, please…he started to kiss her face, her neck, desperately, all of a sudden knowing that this wasn't just because of losing her money, or job. He got off of her, and took her in his arms, trying to give her some comfort, he wished he could take all her pain away, he wished he could feel her pain too, instead of her.

She couldn't shake the feeling that took hold of her, and the way he tried to caress her, and comfort her almost made her mad. She was so torn between all her feelings, why did he had to do that, why did he had to destroy it all?

\- Diane, let me hold you, he whispered. I am sorry, I am so sorry, I can't take back what I did , I can't reverse time, I wish I could…

\- Well you should! Because I think this would be the only way to take all this pain away, and since that is impossible, please leave, please Kurt, leave. I thought I could to this, I thought … every time I see you, I see her with you. I can't stop…every time you touch me, I wonder if you touched her the same way, if it felt better with her, she is younger, she is beautiful. I don't know if will ever get over this.

\- Diane, you are the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen, you are…

\- And yet it wasn't enough, she cut him off.

She covered herself with the sheet, suddenly feeling ashamed of her body, of her age, feeling ashamed in front of him and she was starting to see him as a stranger again, because apparently she didn't really knew him, if he could keep such a secret and she was the idiot that didn't noticed a thing for three years.

\- Diane…I'm sorry. I don't know if you will ever believe me but I want you to know that I love you and I will be waiting for you as long as it takes. As he spoke, his tears started to quietly fall on his checks and on to her hand. When she felt the drops she looked up in his eyes. At some level she knew that he was suffering too, and that hurt her even more, but it was all his doing.

They were both looking into each other eyes, crying silently and they realised that there were no more words left. Neither of them knew what to say, they had this conversations so many times, but the facts remained – he cheated on her and unfortunately there was no way to undo what was done.

He took her hand and kissed it, then looked into her eyes, and with his thumb whipped a tear falling on her cheek. He turned, but then hold his move and turned around to her again.

\- I won't divorce you..i can't. They can take all my money, I just can't.

Then he took his clothes and for now he walked out of her bedroom, out of her house, out of her life.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

She never imagined that she could suffer like this, at some level she understood the danger of falling in love with him, she understood that if she fell for him, it would have been like nothing she's ever lived, she understood that loving him like that also meant exposing herself like never in her life, becoming more vulnerable than she ever been. That is why she always tried to run away in the beginning, she understood the danger of losing herself completely meant.

Yet she couldn't escape him, as much as she wanted, he had this power over her, he was everywhere, surrounding her and there was no way out. She felt trapped and she knew from the beginning, as much as she wanted to fight against this feeling that there was no way out, she knew from the moment she lay eyes on him that every time she looked in to his eyes she lost herself completely.

And here she was, she felt the chill of losing him, like the chill of death. There was nothing, not one thing more frightening and painful than this. She was always trying to push that thought away, but she knew it, she sensed it like only she could feel that something is wrong, that something is going on with him, that he is only half present. She involved herself in work as much as she could, but that feeling was always there, making her heart tremble.

The day he tried to speak to her she saw something in his eyes that wasn't there before, something that only she could recognize, something that scared her like nothing ever did.

In the past weeks, he showered her with affection, it was like they just have met, their hands were always on each other.

But in the same time she sensed desperation in their grip, their hands were holding one another rough, painful, their love making was always intense, like it was the last time, like there was no tomorrow. And this came from him, too, it wasn't just her. She pretended that was all good, that they just love each other that much and that's how people in love act.

Her head was spinning and she just knew that she had to get out of there, anywhere. All those eyes, looking at her, all the pain that she was feeling…she felt like she was slowly drawing and dying right there, in front of everyone. She didn't want to hear it, she didn't want to be there when he will say those horrible words, that horrible truth, she couldn't stand hearing it, much less in a room full of judgmental and pitiful looks. She didn't even realize when she stood up, it was almost as if her body had a mind of his one, she only heard the sound of her heals in the deep silence that surrounded her, feeling her legs trembling while she walked.

She didn't even knew where she was going, she wanted to run away, as fast and as far from him as she could. As soon as she got out of the room, she realized she didn't even had her car keys, her purse, nothing and she couldn't hold back the sobs that threaten to rip her chest. Her tears were already starting to fall and she had to find a place to hide from the rest of the world. She looked around her and she started to walk to the restroom when suddenly she remembered that she was standing near the personal room, where he once…He once…

She couldn't continue the thought, she closed the door behind her, leaned against it, covered her mouth, the tears rolling down her face.

A first sob found its way out, and that was it, she was crying uncontrollably, feeling like she was going to die alone, in the middle of that room, that room in which in other times he was hers and hers alone.

He exited the court room, looking in every direction with the desperation of a mad man. He wished he could turn back time and make all this nightmare disappear. He knew it was the biggest mistake of his life and still he did it. He hoped until the last minute that maybe if she didn't knew about it, they could continue their life as nothing ever happened. He tried to tell her, he imagined a thousand times in his head how would it go and every time the thought of losing her felt like a punch, made his whole world crumble to the ground, knowing how much he would hurt her. When he finally did gather the strength to do it, after just a simple "Let's talk!", seeing her fear, seeing her react like that, already hurt at the thought that something might be wrong. So he decided right there that he would bury all this inside of him, that he will take this secret into the grave with him. In a way, he thought telling her was an act of selfishness, he would be liberated, come what may, and she will be destroyed. He didn't even knew what was the right thing to do, until today, until he seen her in agony in front of all those people, people she knew, who respected her, who thought of her as an impeccable professional. Only then he realized that he should have told her. He cached her eye just after she stood, and he never felt more pain that in that moment, when he finally saw the consequences of his stupid act.

He started walking down the hall, not knowing where to find her, he didn't have her purse, the keys, anything. It was almost evening and the hall was almost deserted now and suddenly he felt his heart sunk. He heard her, heard her desperate cries and he started to walk towards the sound. He stood there, in front of the door, tears rolling down his face. He touched the door gently, letting his hand slide down the wood. He finally gathered the strength to call her name.

"Diane, Diane…please talk to me, Diane" . He didn't receive any answer, but the crying calmed down and he knew that she heard him and that she was preparing to confront him.

He finally pulled the door open, and there she was, leaning against the desk, with her head between her shoulders.

"Diane" he tried again.

She looked straight ahead, gathering her strength to manage to get the words out. She looked in his direction, but not in his eyes, as though he was a ghost.

"Is it true?" she said, almost whispering. Then she was also the one who responded " Of course is true, I don't know why I even ask, I saw it in your eyes in there"

"Diane, I don't know how to begin…", he said trying to find her eyes.

She didn't say a word, she almost run to the door, trying to pass him.

"Diane, don't go, please", he said catching her writs gently, just in an attempt to keep her there, forever if he could. He knew that only a miracle could save him, save them.

She lifted her eyes, looking into his, and he was almost afraid of what he saw there.

"Let me pass" she said firmly, with an almost threatening tone, making a pause after every word.

And then she suddenly stopped, looked into his eyes, her own eyes feeling with tears again.

"How could you, Kurt?" Even saying his name was painful." How could you hurt me like this, how could you throw away everything we had? Wait, she said putting a bitter smile on her face "I keep forgetting that maybe this was just one sided, just from my part. I don't know who you are anymore" her voice was starting to raise and the sorrow transformed in anger. "Did you ever felt something for me Kurt? What was I to you? Why the hell did you want me? Why the hell din you married me? You had all this young girls everywhere around you, anyway. You students.. You wanted what, just to make a fool out of me? It was fun for you hurting me like this?" a sob came out saying the last phrase, that she couldn't stop.

He seemed to be shocked by her words. After a few second he shook it off, knowing that the worst thing right now is for him to be silent. Every word she said hurt him in ways that he didn't even knew he could be hurt.

"Diane, please, don't say that." His own eyes feeling with tears again. " How could you say that? How could you think that? I love you, I always loved you and I always will. "

She looked at him, at through the tears started to laugh.

"And because you loved me so much, you felt the need to fuck her, or love her, who the hell knows, her or who knows how many others?"

"Diane, please, I know I deserve this, but please, please don't doubt my feelings for you."

"Do you hear yourself, do you hear how ridiculous it all sounds?" she closed her eyes for a second, trying to compose herself.

"Kurt, let me pass. I can't do this right now, I don't want to know, you will start to explain and I don't want to hear it, I can't hear it now"

"Diane, just let me.." he tried again.

"NO" She yelled, " I get to decide if I want to hear anything you have to say. Now let me pass" As he walked past him, she stopped and said in a low voice "Don't come home tonight"

Then she opened the door, leaving him behind, just standing there frozen, not knowing what to do, what to say or where to go.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

She stumbled, fighting to unlock the door. The keys fell from her shaking hand a few times before she could turn the lock. She was finally home, she was safe, nobody could see her here, she could cry and mourn the loss of her husband, of her love, of her life…

She closed the door and started to walk slowly not knowing what to do next. She cried all the way home, in the taxi. She didn't care what the poor driver thought. She could have drived, but her whole body was trembling so she thought that this was safer. She leaned against the wall behind her, closing her eyes, asking herself again what will she do, how she will survive this. She couldn't escape the feeling that she was living her worst nightmare and she couldn't wake up. She slowly opened her eyes, tears rolling down her face again and the first thing that her eyes focused on was the framed photo from the day they got married. They seemed so happy, she knew that she was so happy that day…and then a snaky thought started to insinuate – was he with her then? Or maybe there was another one? And then she remembered his three female friends. She was so stupid, she should have known right there and then, but instead she tried to put that aside as something not important enough to ruin their chance of happiness. What kind of man, at his age has that kind of best buddies? Was this all a lie? And then flashes of his touches, and his whispers and the way he looked at her crossed her mind. And then she felt the rage and the anger and the hurt growing inside of her. She looked again at that photo, at their stupid smiling faces, mocking her from the frame. She took a few fast steps and with a howl she threw the photo, with the beautiful frame that she so proudly picked from her favorite store, to the wall. The glasses scattered all over the place and she fell to her knees, with her hands covering her face and cried. An hour later she was crouched on the floor still crying but feeling that she needs something to take away the pain. She didn't even knew what to take, a sedative or a glass of whisky. She decided that she needed both, not caring about the result of mixing them together.

It was raining for some time now and he just sat there, outside the house, looking at his shoes, trying to gather the strength and the courage to face her. She told him she doesn't want to see him today, but he couldn't stay away, knowing that she is suffering that way and knowing that he is the cause for it. He needed her to scream at him, hit him, whatever she needed, hoping that in the end she will forgive him. He needed her forgiveness, so he can forgive himself. He just sat there and watched his tears fall down mixing with the drops of rain. He was disgusted with himself, he didn't knew how will he live with himself if he would lose her. But right now, all he wanted was to take her pain away. The expression of pain from her face, when she realized what is about to happen in that court haunted him, playing in his mind over and over and over again. And the fact that he will have to live the rest of his life with that image in his mind scared him to death. Why the hell did he slept with that woman, he wasn't even interested in her, he was just a little drunk, angry that Diane chose her work over him again and just missing her like crazy. And when Holly came in the bar, trying to seduce him, he finally gave in. Maybe he needed something easier, just sex, nothing heavy, nothing to constantly fight for, maybe it was the need to see someone crazy for him and showing it, without complications, without the postponing, and the "I want to, but I can't". That has always been a constant in their relationship…i want to, but I can't. She said it from their first date and in a way or another that just kept happening…I want for us to go away, but I can't, I want to spend the weekend at your cabin, but I can't, I want to have dinner, or breakfast or whatever with you, but I can't, because…work, work, work. How many times he waited for her, with dinner ready, but he finally fell asleep or with breakfast, but she just took something to eat on her way. Work has been the most important thing in her life, not him. He always felt that, from the beginning, that's why he hesitated when she talked about marriage. How awful it is, to love someone and deep down in your heart know that at any given moment, that someone will choose something else over you. He was even afraid to push it more, to ask her to take it easier, to spend more time with him, to come home earlier. He was afraid that she would choose her work over him again. She has always put him on the second place and he was always forced to be happy with what time was left for him, with the remains of the day. He was trying to justify himself in his mind, because he himself needed an explication for what he did, but most importantly needed something, anything to stop him from hating himself to the self – destruction point.

He finally raised his shaking hand and knocked on the door. Once, twice…nothing. He then rang the bell, once, twice…nothing. He started to get worried. He just tried to open the door and the door opened, it wasn't even locked. So he started to walk inside the room, afraid of what will happen next.


End file.
